Why accepting my flaws was important as an autistic mom

"That's why accepting your flaws is important. I still haven't dealt with the trauma of the past as I thought. I inadvertently buried it by just getting through it. This summer, I want to encourage all of you to start healing."

By Victoria H. | June 22, 2021

This is a guest blog by an aspiring writer, Victoria Handy. Victoria is studying to be a behavior analyst. And describes herself as an awesome autistic. 

Young women smiling at the camera, with braids in her hair and blue eyeshadow

In these few weeks, ALOT can change. After a few interviews for jobs, I received a chance to interview at an ABA clinic. After being open about my diagnosis but still mentioning I was functioning, I found that I did not get the job. I was devastated to hear that. I took it personally and therefore I started to take things personally afterward just as I did when I little. Honestly, because it WAS personal back then.

I am a woman now. I still have that little girl inside me. I started to doubt myself. Should I have been honest about my disorder? Did I come off like I am crazy? I have a 4.0 but does that mean I will find a job in behavior analysis? I started to fall apart and didn't really move much after. Isn't that what the profession strives for? Helping children with autism. Why not give a person WITH autism a chance?

All these questions seeped in mind. As I wrote in my book (which I hope to use to tell my full story) I realized something. Some things trigger me and take me back to my childhood. I still feel like a child when I look in the mirror. I am supermom to my daughter yet an idiotic weirdo to others who should be locked up or seek professional help.

And to be real and open: YES! I have spent some time in psychiatric wards of hospitals for depression and suicidal tendencies. That was so long ago yet I still deal with a cadre of trauma just from one incident. It occurred to me. I have not healed as much I thought I did. That's ok!, You are always going to be autistic and it is a lifelong time of adjustment.

That's why accepting your flaws is important. I still haven't dealt with the trauma of the past as I thought. I inadvertently buried it by just getting through it. This summer, I want to encourage all of you to start healing. Seek help through your support group. Friends, family, and any others you trust.

Even if you are nonverbal, your "words" still matter.  I have a lot to say but to be real with those who look up to me, I will acknowledge my pain too. Haters will have their stereotypes against disorders but that is their problem. Not yours. Be strong and have a good footing about who you are what you want. Think of it like this: you don't see rainbows in complete sunshine, you see them in rain and sunshine together. Your flaws are your strength and there is power in being vulnerable. 

Take the summer to process yourself so you can fall into yourself and be better as you grow. 

Autism Speaks does not provide medical or legal advice or services. Rather, Autism Speaks provides general information about autism as a service to the community. The information provided on our website is not a recommendation, referral or endorsement of any resource, therapeutic method, or service provider and does not replace the advice of medical, legal or educational professionals. Autism Speaks has not validated and is not responsible for any information, events, or services provided by third parties. The views and opinions expressed in blogs on our website do not necessarily reflect the views of Autism Speaks.

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