Redefining Valentine’s Day for autistic adults

The chill of midwinter is currently flushing our cheeks, and with it comes another reason for a rosy, red blush: Valentine’s Day. It seems to start earlier every year, pink and red hearts occupying the same retail shelf space as reindeer and mistletoe, quickly ushering in the season of love. But what love and relationships look like in the movies and TV is often very different to what relationships can look like and be in real life, and the expectation to live up to the perfect idea of a relationship often comes with overwhelming pressure and anxiety, especially at Valentine’s Day. Alternative holidays like “Galentine’s Day” have gained popularity in recent years but are not necessarily gender inclusive or allow for opportunities to reframe our ideas about relationships and only seem to highlight what you’re missing if you are single. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, on Valentine’s Day or at any other time of year, but relationships are not one size fits all, and can come in the form of friendship, romance, or something else in between. Instead of rushing headlong into a Hollywood happily ever after, the most important thing is to move away from the movies and find out what works best for you. 

One of my most vivid memories of Valentine’s Day was in high school. In the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, a table would be set up in the lunchroom to sell red, pink, and white carnations that were then distributed in homeroom on the day itself. With each flower came a handwritten note—from a significant other, from a secret admirer—stapled around its stem. Every year, I would watch as other girls received carnations, sometimes two, three, even four apiece, while I never got a single one. I had crushes on my classmates and was probably far more obvious about it than I thought I was, but anything in the way of a real relationship never materialized. No one ever asked me to be their valentine, and fear of almost certain rejection kept me from asking anyone myself.

Valentine’s Day for everyone else was something I was convinced I’d never have, and it left me feeling like a failure. For years and years after high school ended, I found myself dreading that one single day, pain clenching in my chest at the ubiquitous reminders of what I was supposed to want and felt woefully incomplete without. It was only when I began to gain confidence in myself over time that I learned to focus less on being in a relationship and more on what I wanted from a relationship. As an autistic woman, as Amy, I started to think about what I could bring to a relationship, and for the first time, saw myself not as someone who needed love to be complete, but as someone who already had so much love to give to others. Through that lens, the emotional paralysis of Valentine’s Day faded, and it just no longer felt as important. What became important instead was the need for true, authentic connection.

What is authentic connection?

Psychology Today defines authentic connection as “Genuine connection with someone else; dropping the façade, showing vulnerability and sharing one's true self.” When we talk about “dropping a façade,” that can be very similar to autistic masking or camouflaging, so we can say that authentic connection means not having to mask around someone, recognizing that someone is safe to be vulnerable with, and being able to just be who you are. Authentic connection means deciding to be in a relationship with a specific person and not just because you want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

How does authentic connection happen?

One of the key components of a relationship is communication. Communication can mean the words we say, but a large part of communication is also nonverbal and/or reading body language. Some autistic people feel more comfortable dating someone who is also autistic or who has another mental health diagnosis, and some autistic people date neurotypicals. Autistic people and neurotypical people have distinctly different styles of communication, but mixed neurology relationships can still be possible. When seeking out a potential partner, regardless of diagnosis, be open to learning how the other person communicates. How does this person say or show that they’re excited? How do they show that they’re anxious? What does it look like for this person to give or receive consent? Having an authentic connection with someone means being able to freely discuss all of these topics and strategies for addressing miscommunications before they happen.

What about sensory challenges?

When we talk about relationships, sexual intimacy is often part of the conversation. There is no right or wrong way to be intimate with someone, and intimacy with autistic people can look different than it does with neurotypicals. Figuring out how to navigate sensory challenges in a physically intimate relationship means knowing your body and what your needs are/what does and doesn’t feel good to you. It also means feeling comfortable with verbalizing those needs, which is often difficult if you’ve been socialized and made to feel that your needs don’t matter. A potential partner who takes your sensory needs seriously is someone who prioritizes your comfort, listens without judgment, and understands that those needs might change and vary over time and in different circumstances.

Developing an authentic connection and shared sense of trust with someone often makes it easier to have these conversations, or at least to have a place to start. The burden of communication should not be on only one person, as it requires ongoing effort on the part of both people and the ability to make space for someone in your life, while also being aware of their willingness to make a space for you in theirs.

It doesn't need to be perfect to be meaningful

On Valentine’s Day, every relationship is made to look perfect. Movies and TV shows, even ones like Love On the Spectrum, push the idea that there is one specific way to connect with someone and prioritize romantic love above all else. But relationships in real life can be meaningful with or without romance. Authentic connections and finding someone to safely be vulnerable with are the foundation for lasting, successful relationships. No matter who you are—autistic or neurotypical, male or female, young or old—getting there can be messy and complicated and imperfect, and you are not “less” if you aren’t in a relationship on Valentine’s Day.

Taking the time to build connections means connecting with the parts of yourself you’ve kept hidden away but are now laying bare for someone else. And the right person is the one who sees those parts and accepts and loves you for exactly who you are.

Amy Gravino, M.A., is a professional speaker, relationship coach in the Rutgers Center for Adult Autism Services, a founding member of Autism Speaks’ Emerging Leaders initiative, and autistic advocate specializing in the intersection of neuroinclusivity and sexual health. Combining her lived experience with professional expertise, she is a global voice dedicated to empowering the autism community through education and connection. Visit www.amygravino.com to learn more.