Coming out as LGBTQ+: A guide for autistic people
According to a study at The Trevor Project, 5% of LGBTQ+ youth have been diagnosed with autism, and another 35% suspect they might be autistic. This is especially common among transgender boys/young men and nonbinary people who were assigned female at birth. That’s the good news. You’re not alone.
But deciding to come out as LGBTQ+ is a deeply, personal decision only you can make – and it can be stressful, no matter your age. Maybe you don’t know if you have the right words and so you worry you will be dismissed simply because you're autistic. Maybe you fear that you will have to argue that you can make decisions about your identity. Maybe you know you will have to defend that your identity is yours, and yours alone, regardless of who raised you, where you live, where you went to school or worship. Maybe you are scared you'll be rejected, or worse.
To help, we spoke with Dr. Stephen Hobaica a clinical psychologist and research scientist at The Trevor Project, a suicide prevention nonprofit for LGBTQ+ youth, and Dr. Lisa Hansen, the founder and clinical director of Flourish Therapy, a nonprofit mental health clinic in Utah that provides affordable care for LGBTQ+ individuals and families.
Here they address common considerations of autistic people who are thinking about coming out. They also offer advice for allies supporting their queer and autistic loved ones.
How do you know when you’re ready to come out?
"Coming out is deeply personal, and there's no 'right' time," Dr. Hobaica explains. "Most importantly, it is your choice. You get to decide when, how, and to whom you share your identity. It is never too late to come out, so take all the time you need.
It's okay to move at your own pace and trust your instincts about when, how, and to whom you share your identity," he adds.
One tip is to read about coming out experiences from other LGBTQ+ people. This can help you make sense of your own identity and decide if you're ready.
Suggested personal experiences from queer and autistic people:
100-Word Coming Out Stories | The Trevor Project
Coming Out Stories | UCI Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Resource Center
What does a safe person to come out to look like?
Before you come out to someone, Dr. Hansen recommends thinking about possible outcomes of your conversation and asking yourself these questions:
Have they been kind to me in the past when I’ve shared something personal?
How do they treat people around me?
Can I trust them to keep private information to themselves?
If they tell someone else and word gets back to my parents or other loved ones, am I ready for that conversation?
Do they gossip about others or share secrets they shouldn't?
There are non-verbal cues that might indicate someone is safe to come out to as well. You might notice a school counselor who has a “This is a Safe Space” poster in their office, for example, or a friend who wears a rainbow pin. These are both signs that a person will listen to you and be supportive.
If you are still not sure, you can test the waters by bringing up an LGBTQ+ fictional character in a book or TV show you both like or an openly queer person you both know. Hearing how they talk about queer issues in general can help you predict how they might respond to your news.
How to prepare for the coming out conversation
Dr. Hansen notes that while some people come out spontaneously in emotional moments, this can be more stressful for everyone involved. Instead, she advises choosing a day when you don't have a lot of other things going on and a location where you aren’t likely to be overstimulated. This could be your home, a nearby park, or another place that makes you feel safe.
You might feel pressure to have everything perfectly planned or worry about how your autism will affect how others receive your news. But life is rarely perfect.
One thing you cannot control is how someone will react. But you can take steps to protect yourself and prepare for different responses. A good place to start is with a script for what you want to say. This Coming Out guide from Strong Family Alliance, a program of PFLAG focused on supporting parents of children in the LGBTQ+ community, offers examples along with responses depending on how people react.
If you have a therapist or counselor, you can practice what you want to say with them first. Therapists are required to keep confidentiality and will not tell anyone you are LGBTQ+ for you. You can also practice in front of a mirror or, if you are an LGBTQ+ person under the age of 25, call or text The Trevor Project for support and practice.
“When you are ready to start therapy, finding a provider who is outwardly affirming and someone who shares that they have experience working with LGBTQ+ clients with autism is important,” says Dr. Hobaica. “If you are interested in a provider but are not sure about their experience with LGBTQ+ issues or neurodiversity, always ask! Shopping around for the right provider is totally okay and something I always encourage my own clients, friends, and family to do.”
Dr. Hansen also emphasizes taking care of your physical and mental health in the time leading up to the conversation. Make sure you get plenty of sleep the night before and eat something safe and filling. You can also do an activity that soothes your nerves beforehand, like reading your favorite book or going on a quiet walk.
Recommended: Just relax: A guide to progressive muscle relaxation
Once you've done this preparation work and feel comfortable with your plan, that may be a good sign you're ready to have the conversation.
How to take care of yourself during and after the conversation
Coming out is a life-changing decision. It's totally normal to feel anxious before, during, and after it. But knowing that doesn’t make it any less scary in the moment.
Your loved one may ask questions that you didn’t prepare for ahead of time. It’s okay to take a few seconds to think before you respond. For questions where you don’t have an answer, you can say something like, “I’m not sure about that right now, but this is what I do know.” If you feel overwhelmed at any time during the conversation, ask your loved one for a pause to calm down and gather your thoughts.
Even if you practiced beforehand, you may find that words escape you in the moment. If you get overwhelmed by verbal conversations, you could prepare a letter for your loved one to read instead or bring an alternate method of communication (like a phone or pencil and paper) in case you are unable to talk.
After the conversation, Dr. Hansen recommends planning something you can do to decompress. Even a positive coming out experience can be exhausting. It might be an activity you can do alone like going on a bike ride, or something with friends like playing video games together. If it relaxes you after a stressful day, it’s probably a good activity to plan.
What to do if you receive an unsupportive response
Unfortunately, your loved one may not react the way you hoped. If that happens, remember their reaction does not invalidate your identity or mean your feelings aren’t “real.” Some people need time to process and learn more about your identity. But, this does not give them an excuse to be unkind or abusive to you.
“You deserve a safe, affirming home, no matter who you are or where you live,” says Dr. Hobaica. “Depending on your specific situation, you have a few different options if your home no longer feels safe after coming out. For some that means leaving the unsafe space and going to a friend's house. For others, it can mean reaching out to supportive family members or friends to help.”
Research local LGBTQ+ organizations and crisis centers ahead of time so you have somewhere you can go for help. Dr. Hobaica also recommends the following online services from LGBTQ+ and autism nonprofits:
The Trevor Project: crisis support by text or phone for LGBTQ+ youth
TrevorSpace: an online community where LGBTQ+ young people can connect safely
Trans Lifeline: crisis services for transgender and non-binary people of all ages
Association for Autism and Neurodiversity (AANE): support groups for autistic teens and adults
A note for allies on supporting queer and autistic loved ones
If you're a friend or family member of an LGBTQ+ autistic person, your love can anchor them through difficult times. "Safety and affirmation is often from everyday moments, rather than grand gestures," Dr. Hobaica explains. "For example, respecting names and pronouns of transgender and nonbinary youth can be transformative, especially when it is consistent."
After someone comes out, you may want to support them but not know how (especially if you are not as familiar with LGBTQ+ identity). Dr. Hobaica's advice for you: ask them.
“[One] way to make LGBTQ+ youth feel safe is asking them how they want to be supported." he says, noting you may make mistakes along the way. "Learn together through trial-and-error, and apologize when you get it wrong."
He emphasizes that an affirming home doesn't mean that you won't mess up — it means that there is a general feeling of safety, consistency, and unconditional love and support.
“Celebrating a child's identity, honoring their needs, and reminding them that they are enough, exactly as they are, helps build a home that can feel safe. Every small action of acceptance and love communicates that they are safe, and that they belong.”
Importantly, you should know that being openly queer is not always easy, and your loved one may be at risk of bullying, discrimination, or internalizing negative messages they hear. Keep an eye out for signs they are struggling so you can help them in a crisis. LGBTQ youth who diagnosed with autism have shown over 50% greater odds of attempting suicide compared to those who had never been diagnosed with autism.
Call the 988 Lifeline if you're concerned about your loved one, if they are expressing suicidal ideation or are in crisis. Help is free and available 24/7/365. Call/text/chat 988.
“Everyone shows distress differently, and for autistic youth, the signs might not always look like what people expect,” says Dr. Hobaica. “Watching LGBTQ+ autistic youth withdraw from the things they love, have changes in routines, experience increased shutdowns, or show signs of feeling overwhelmed or like they don't belong can all be signs that they are struggling.”
While Dr. Hobaica’s guidance is mainly for parents, it’s just as helpful for friends and other family members. You may not know everything about what your loved one needs and how to best support them. As Dr. Hobaica says, “Just being there, consistently and without judgment, can help someone feel less alone.”
Related Resources
Additional Resources & Tools
