The Flathead Valley is an awesome place to live, work and raise a family. My husband and I discovered this a few years ago when we were just visitors to this wonderful place that we now happily call “home”. Since leaving the big city in favor of a slower Montana lifestyle, we have been overwhelmed by the great people we have made friends with and the terrific schools that our children are blessed to attend.

Unfortunately, my family is frequently ridiculed in public places by these same good people when my youngest son acts out. The most recent episode occurred at a wedding rehearsal last week. My six-year-old son didn't want to be there, so I took him outside the church where he began yelling, screaming and being disrespectful. He wiggled around on the ground and wouldn't listen to me.

Not only did I have my hands full with my child, but I also had to endure the stares of the workers bringing in flowers and decorations. One of the women bringing in flowers obviously couldn't stand to watch my child yell at me anymore and had to say something. Her remarks are something I hear all too often. She said, “I don't want to tell you how to raise your child, but I raised four boys and a good swat always made them respect me.” My only comeback to people that pass judgment on my parenting skills is to let them in on my secret. My son Adam has Autism.

It affects Adam's behavior, thought, perception and attention. He is not mentally retarded, and is actually quite intelligent. Adam has problems with social skills and communication. He can make lots of noise, be disruptive, sometimes has difficulties interacting with other people, and can display extreme distress or have temper tantrums for no reason.

Autistic kids don't have control of their behavior most of the time and don't even know they are acting up. These actions are not a result of “bad parenting”, and there are ways to deal with these outbursts; however, punishment is not one of them because this behavior is mostly involuntary.

When we first arrived in Montana, we were concerned that Adam wouldn't receive the same level of care by doctors or teachers as we were accustomed to when we lived in a larger community. However, we were put at ease almost immediately with the great doctors and the professional and caring special education staff at the local Edgerton and Hedges schools.

On the other hand, many area residents continue to pass judgment on us when our son is out in public “acting up”. To be courteous, we often leave a movie theater 30 minutes into a show or leave restaurants halfway through a meal for the sake of the other patrons when my son becomes disruptive.

Thank heaven the woman carrying the flowers at the wedding rehearsal didn't have to endure any of her kids having a debilitating disorder like autism. Daily life with a special needs child presents many unique challenges that make life utterly different than you expect it to be. All I can ask of the casual observer is that before you pass judgment on me or my family please put yourself in our shoes.

We don't choose to interrupt your lives. It's never planned. However, we do take the appropriate actions to minimize disruptions when they happen. Had I given my son a swat as was suggested, it would have sent him into a tailspin and a huge tantrum would have ensued. Undoubtedly, it could have ruined the wedding rehearsal not only for my family, but also for the bride and groom. Instead, I talked my son down and we were eventually able to join the rest of the guests in the rehearsal.

Unfortunately, our public experiences aren't unique. There are so many wonderful, bright and happy go lucky kids in this valley that have special needs. Some kids look different, others act different. Individually they are a joy to be around and are inspirational the way they deal with and overcome their disabilities. These children and parents aren't looking for pity. They just want to be accepted for who they are- flaws and all. Each child is a special gift from God.

I'm sure in the coming years I will continue telling perfect strangers that my son is not a bad kid, he is autistic. He is a wonderful child who sometimes acts out in public because he can't communicate his needs or maybe he's had a bad day, just as you and I have bad days. I simply ask that you please think before judging others. The next time you see a child having a tantrum and a mom or dad is frazzled, stop and think about their situation, and that maybe they aren't bad parents, but struggling to stay calm in the storm around them.

Tepas' essay is an edited version of a piece that was originally published Nov. 25, 2006, in The Daily Interlake of Kalispell, Montana.

Autism Speaks encourages you to write about autism for your local papers. We also welcome your submission for possible reprinting on the Autism Speaks web site. Email us at editors@autismspeaks.org.

This essay is part of a series called "In Their Own Words " written by members of the Autism Speaks community. Click here to see other essays.